Introduction
Welcome, brave souls, to the hall of hilariously misguided paladins! These holy warriors swore to uphold the light, but somewhere along the way, they tripped over their own capes. From divine mix-ups to oath-breaking shenanigans, we’ve got a lineup that will make even a beholder blink in disbelief. So grab your holy symbols (or don’t), and let’s count down the top 20 paladin concepts that are so bad, they’re good.
20. The “I Swear I’m Not a Rogue” Paladin God: The deity of questionable choices Abilities: Sneak attack (but only when no one’s looking) Backstory: Mistook the paladin’s oath for a thieves’ guild application Commentary: This paladin’s sneakiness is only matched by their delusion. They’ll pick a lock and call it a “divine intervention.” Scenario: Imagine this paladin trying to sneakily “liberate” some gold from a dragon’s hoard, only to accidentally trigger a divine smite on themselves. Oops! Tip: If you’re going to play this paladin, make sure your party has a good sense of humor and a great rogue to cover for your “divine” slip-ups.
19. The “Vegan Before It Was Cool” Paladin God: The all-natural, gluten-free deity of health Abilities: Can purify food (but only if it’s organic) Backstory: Converted after a bad case of food poisoning at a medieval feast Commentary: They’ll save you from demons, but not before checking if their sword is cruelty-free. Scenario: This paladin faces a moral dilemma when offered a feast by grateful villagers—it’s not organic! Tip: Embrace the roleplay opportunities of dietary restrictions in a fantasy setting, but maybe don’t lecture the orc about the benefits of kale.
18. The “Do You Even Lift, Bro?” Paladin God: The swole deity of gym memberships Abilities: Divine smite (with proper form) Backstory: Took an oath to never skip leg day Commentary: This paladin flexes more than their muscles; they flex their piety. Just don’t ask them to help move furniture. Scenario: In the middle of battle, this paladin pauses to correct an enemy’s lifting technique. Tip: Strength is great, but remember to balance your character’s stats. Charisma still counts, even if your biceps are the size of tree trunks.
17. The “My Mount is a Unicycle” Paladin God: The circus deity of balance Abilities: Juggling, unicycle combat Backstory: Joined the circus instead of a crusade Commentary: They see your warhorse and raise you a one-wheeled wonder. Practical? No. Entertaining? Absolutely. Scenario: Charging into battle, this paladin performs acrobatic feats that dazzle friends and foes alike. Tip: Circus skills can be surprisingly versatile in a campaign. Just be ready for the occasional tumble.
16. The “Paladin of the People’s Court” Paladin God: The deity of small claims Abilities: Lay on hands (and legal advice) Backstory: Swore an oath to uphold justice, one petty lawsuit at a time Commentary: They’ll heal your wounds and sue the monster that gave them to you. Justice served! Scenario: After every battle, this paladin insists on holding a tribunal for the vanquished foes. Tip: Brush up on your legal jargon. You never know when a “cease and desist” might be more effective than a “cease to exist.”
15. The “I Thought This Was a LARP” Paladin God: The deity of make-believe Abilities: Foam sword proficiency Backstory: Showed up to a real battle in costume Commentary: When they said they wanted to “slay dragons,” they didn’t mean actual dragons. Scenario: This paladin tries to “pause” a real battle because their foam sword broke. Tip: Keep a backup weapon that’s not made of foam. Reality has a way of popping up in the most inconvenient times.
14. The “Social Media Influencer” Paladin God: The hashtag deity of trending topics Abilities: Selfie smite, viral videos Backstory: Took an oath to gain followers, not fight evil Commentary: They’ll save the day, but only if it gets them likes. Scenario: Mid-battle, this paladin is more concerned with capturing the perfect action shot for their followers. Tip: Remember, fame is fleeting, but legends are forever. Make sure your paladin’s deeds are worth sharing.
13. The “I’m Actually Just Here for the Wine” Paladin God: The deity of divine fermentation Abilities: Turn water into mediocre wine Backstory: Joined the monastery for the vineyard Commentary: They might not turn the tide of battle, but they’ll always bring the after-party. Scenario: This paladin blesses the party’s water supply, turning a dire situation into a wine tasting event. Tip: Keep a few bottles of water un-blessed. Hydration is important, especially when you’re wearing full plate armor.
12. The “Paladin of Procrastination” Paladin God: The deity of last-minute saves Abilities: Delayed divine intervention Backstory: Always meant to take an oath, just hasn’t gotten around to it Commentary: They’ll save the world… tomorrow. Scenario: The big bad is about to unleash their final attack, and this paladin is still deciding which spell to use. Tip: Procrastination can be a fun character trait, but don’t let it frustrate your fellow players. Sometimes, you just have to roll the dice.
11. The “My Armor is Made of Mirrors” Paladin God: The deity of vanity Abilities: Blinding beauty, reflective defense Backstory: Took an oath to never look anything less than fabulous Commentary: They’re not just fighting evil; they’re fighting for five-star ratings on their armor’s polish. Scenario: In a duel of vanity, this paladin distracts their opponent with their own reflection. Tip: A polished appearance can be a great distraction tactic, but don’t forget to actually polish your combat skills too.
10. The “Eco-Friendly” Paladin God: The deity of recycling Abilities: Reusable divine smites Backstory: Swore to protect nature, even if it means wearing armor made of compost Commentary: They’re green in more ways than one, and not just because they’re new at this. Scenario: This paladin recycles their smites by channeling the residual divine energy back into the earth, causing flowers to bloom on the battlefield. Tip: Embrace the eco-friendly theme, but remember, compost armor might not hold up against a dragon’s breath.
9. The “Paladin of Awkward Silences” Paladin God: The deity of uncomfortable pauses Abilities: Aura of unease Backstory: Took a vow of silence, but only during conversations Commentary: They bring a new meaning to “quiet contemplation.” Scenario: During a tense negotiation with a band of goblins, this paladin’s awkward silence somehow leads to a peaceful resolution. Tip: Silence can be powerful, but make sure to communicate with your party through other means—like interpretive dance.
8. The “I’m a Paladin, But I Moonlight as a Bard” Paladin God: The deity of dual-class dilemmas Abilities: Inspiring smite (with musical accompaniment) Backstory: Couldn’t decide between the lyre and the sword Commentary: They’ll battle evil by day and serenade it by night. Scenario: In the heat of combat, this paladin breaks into song, confusing allies and enemies alike. Tip: A well-timed ballad can boost morale, but remember to keep one hand on your weapon—just in case.
7. The “Paladin of Passive Aggression” Paladin God: The deity of backhanded compliments Abilities: Smiting with sarcasm Backstory: Swore an oath to be “nice” Commentary: They’ll save you, but you’ll hear about it for the next ten quests. Scenario: This paladin “accidentally” heals the rogue who keeps stealing their kills, muttering about “sharing the glory.” Tip: Passive aggression can be humorous, but don’t let it sour the party’s dynamics. Keep it light and playful.
6. The “My Steed is a Giant Hamster” Paladin God: The deity of unconventional mounts Abilities: Rodent riding, hamster ball of protection Backstory: Misunderstood “noble steed” during the oath-taking Commentary: They roll into battle, quite literally. Scenario: The giant hamster rolls over a group of orcs, leaving the paladin dizzy but victorious. Tip: Unusual mounts can be a blast, but make sure your furry friend doesn’t become a liability in tight spaces.
5. The “Paladin of Existential Crises” Paladin God: The deity of deep thoughts Abilities: Paralyzing pondering Backstory: Took an oath to find the meaning of life, still searching Commentary: They’re too busy questioning their existence to smite evil. Scenario: As the party faces a moral dilemma, this paladin’s existential musings inadvertently lead to a profound solution. Tip: Philosophy is great, but don’t let it paralyze your decision-making. Sometimes, you just need to act.
4. The “Paladin Who’s Actually a Spy” Paladin God: The deity of double agents Abilities: Divine subterfuge Backstory: Swore an oath to serve two masters Commentary: They’re on a holy mission, but for which side? Scenario: This paladin’s covert actions lead to a major plot twist, revealing a hidden ally within the enemy ranks. Tip: Spycraft can add depth to your character, but be careful not to betray your party’s trust.
3. The “Paladin of Unfortunate Accents” Paladin God: The deity of misunderstood words Abilities: Confusing dialects Backstory: Took an oath in a language they don’t fully understand Commentary: They meant to cast “heal,” but everyone heard “heel.” Scenario: This paladin’s accent turns a simple spell into a comedy of errors, but somehow it all works out in the end. Tip: Accents can be fun, but make sure your communication is clear when it counts—like when calling for a retreat.
2. The “Paladin Who’s Afraid of the Dark” Paladin God: The nightlight deity Abilities: Radiant glow (for personal use) Backstory: Swore an oath to never be left in the dark, ever Commentary: They’re brave until the sun sets. Scenario: This paladin’s fear of the dark turns a night ambush into a glowing success as they inadvertently light up the battlefield. Tip: Phobias can add character depth, but have a plan for when the lights go out. Maybe a glow-in-the-dark holy symbol?
1. The “Paladin Who’s Just Really, Really Lost” Paladin God: The deity of wayward travelers Abilities: Accidental divine encounters Backstory: Took a wrong turn on the way to the temple Commentary: They’re on a quest, but don’t ask them where it leads. Scenario: This paladin stumbles upon the villain’s lair by mistake and, in their confusion, foils an evil plot. Tip: Being directionally challenged can lead to unexpected adventures, but keep a map handy. You never know when you’ll need to find your way back to the party.
Conclusion:
And so, we conclude our rollicking roll call of paladins who have strayed far from the conventional path. These twenty characters remind us that in the grand tapestry of tabletop RPGs, every thread—no matter how outlandish—has a place. From the “I Swear I’m Not a Rogue” Paladin to the “Paladin Who’s Just Really, Really Lost,” each one brings a unique flavor to the game that can make for unforgettable stories and side-splitting laughter.
As we part ways with our list of the most delightfully dreadful paladin concepts, remember that the true spirit of D&D lies in the joy of creation and the freedom to explore. Whether you’re a seasoned dungeon master or a curious newcomer, let these examples inspire you to craft characters that defy expectations, break the mold, and most importantly, bring joy to your table.
So, gather your dice, rally your party, and set forth on adventures filled with valor and a healthy dose of absurdity. May your campaigns be epic, your battles legendary, and your paladins… well, let’s just say, “memorable.”
Until our next quest, keep the laughter rolling and the good times critting!
